Forces of Nature

'Marriage has less beauty than the single life, but more safety...'

Is that what I want out of life? Safety? Isn't it about the risks, the danger, the beauty, the wonder? I do want to feel some sense of security, but not in lieu of living to the most.

My mom said something to me the other day that really got me. She said, "You're just so ALIVE. You're so...full...of life. It just sometimes when I talk to you I'm overwhelmed with how alive you are." And it really made me think, because at times that's the last thing I feel. Alive. But it's also something that I strive for as part of my own little philosophy. 

I want to live each moment to its fullest. And I realize that I'm not the first person to attain to this ideal, or the first one to say it, but I think it's the simplest way to really live - not just exist - and honor God with my life. What better way than to actually live. To dream, and set goals, and chase love, and wonder about...everything, and cry, and question, and feel and all of it. And to give what we cherish most to other people, and satisfy - where we can - that which is lacking in others' lives, and to make someone else's day. This is life. 

I just want sometimes, to look at my life as a movie. To analyze the different scenarios and characters and see if any of it makes sense. Are there glaring traps that I've walked into? I'm sure. Have there been missed opportunities? Yeah. Am I still waiting to meet the 'right' man? For sure. But have there been sweet  montage moments? Yes there have. Have I known what it is to be truly loved? I have. I'd like to look at it and see if I'm doing everything I think I'm doing and then be able to change my behavior accordingly. But my life isn't a movie and it isn't over. My life is still in progress and if I have anything to say about it, there are going to be many a twist and turn to come. There is soooo much that I want to see and do before my time here is done. 

But I suppose the only way to really live, to have a sense of peace about where my life is going is to trust God and trust my decisions and hold on to that. I watched that movie "Forces of Nature" tonight. The whole thing was circling around this point of whether or not this guy should get married, since he has not been able to write his wedding vows and he's met a woman who is really throwing him for a loop. Every person he meets, quote he reads as he's trying to write is guiding him away from marriage. It's a trap, it's boring, it's something people do when they don't really have any other options. And midway he buys into it, starts something with this woman and decides he's not going to get married. And when it comes down to the end, and he stands faced up with his fiance, on their wedding day in the middle of a hurricane, he breathes and just lets his feelings talk. He tells her that he has been in love with her since they met and he fell in love with her again when he saw her on their wedding day. And I was so confused at first, but when I thought about it...the people I know and know of, when they find the person they want to be with, in whatever form or fashion, it's something they just know. It cannot be explained or persuaded out of, they just know and I suppose that was his moment where he knew. 

I know that I am making a change for the better. I am taking steps to live life and not just exist and not just get by. And I may not be able to explain it, but this is my moment and I'm taking it. 

Turn away

(I wrote this in April '09 and never really finished it, but reread it and thought it worth posting, so...)

I now forget why I started to my site to write a blog but...

I'm one of those people. The ones who are hard-hearted. I heard that over a hundred people were baptized at one event, and...nothing. No internal yay went off, no well wishing thoughts sent out there way. What I actually thought was, 'oh.' As if someone told me I left a light on or something. Time was when news like this, that people's lives are potentially changing forever- for the better- would have had SOME effect. But none. 

Am I that person that can't take any pleasure in the pleasure of others? I'd like to think not. I'd like to think that I'm someone who sees beauty in the joy of others. Who rejoices when friends have triumph. But if I'm honest, if I don't hide from myself, the majority of the time lately I'm not. It's easy when I feel vested in the situation to have pride and joy with those around me. But when it seems fluke, when I feel somehow that it's undeserved...I not only Don't rejoice but I actually take opportunity to add one more straw to my depression pile. 

You know that pile of stuff you have, everyone has one, that you add to minimally that eventually sets you off. It's different for us all. Mine includes learning about friends who have gained or made more serious romantic relationships- successful people younger than me - 'unworthy' females who seem to go from boyfriend to boyfriend - basically successes that I have wanted for myself and I see others gaining and I can't even stand it. 

Ugh. I am SO that person. I don't want to be. I remember a sermon from a long time ago that talked about not being able to take joy at the joy of others, and this being a difficult place to be blessed in. He talked about setting one's self up for blessing and part of that is being able to see joy, feel joy, and cultivate joy with and for others. It's part of forbearing with one another. Of being a support for one another through high and low times. I know what i would feel like if someone didn't support me in my joy and I DON"T wanna be that person. Not even a little.