Turn away

(I wrote this in April '09 and never really finished it, but reread it and thought it worth posting, so...)

I now forget why I started to my site to write a blog but...

I'm one of those people. The ones who are hard-hearted. I heard that over a hundred people were baptized at one event, and...nothing. No internal yay went off, no well wishing thoughts sent out there way. What I actually thought was, 'oh.' As if someone told me I left a light on or something. Time was when news like this, that people's lives are potentially changing forever- for the better- would have had SOME effect. But none. 

Am I that person that can't take any pleasure in the pleasure of others? I'd like to think not. I'd like to think that I'm someone who sees beauty in the joy of others. Who rejoices when friends have triumph. But if I'm honest, if I don't hide from myself, the majority of the time lately I'm not. It's easy when I feel vested in the situation to have pride and joy with those around me. But when it seems fluke, when I feel somehow that it's undeserved...I not only Don't rejoice but I actually take opportunity to add one more straw to my depression pile. 

You know that pile of stuff you have, everyone has one, that you add to minimally that eventually sets you off. It's different for us all. Mine includes learning about friends who have gained or made more serious romantic relationships- successful people younger than me - 'unworthy' females who seem to go from boyfriend to boyfriend - basically successes that I have wanted for myself and I see others gaining and I can't even stand it. 

Ugh. I am SO that person. I don't want to be. I remember a sermon from a long time ago that talked about not being able to take joy at the joy of others, and this being a difficult place to be blessed in. He talked about setting one's self up for blessing and part of that is being able to see joy, feel joy, and cultivate joy with and for others. It's part of forbearing with one another. Of being a support for one another through high and low times. I know what i would feel like if someone didn't support me in my joy and I DON"T wanna be that person. Not even a little.