I think it's about time

for some change. - No, this is not a new president endorsement. this is personal...

All I really want, is to be loved, to find wealth and satisfaction in my work, to be the best version of me I can be. That is...the me I was created to be.

Is it so much to ask to go to work and NOT hate it? I hear that it is possible, but I have never seen it for myself. Though I have had many a converstion revolving around being independently wealthy...I do have some gumption (sp?) in me to work. I love cooking and singing and writing and all manner of crafty creative things.

But why don't people wanna pay me to do them? sigh....

I had a banner day today. My car - which i stupidly took to the dealership to be checked out- turns out to 'need' $1000 worth of repairs when I only took it in to have the sensors/fuses checked out behind the speedometer. And I have to get the check engine light to go off before I can pass emissions and have my car registered since my tags are two years old.

hey, don't judge me. I don't WANT tennessee tags. ugh. but i am getting them.

anyways, this is all before 10am. Then i get to work, fine fine until my manager tells me to take my nose ring out.
-Aside: I have a largely held as silly issue with not being able to wear my nose ring at work. I don't understand it. It wasn't mentioned until days after my training started and I didn't recieve a handbook until weeks after i started. I will give management credit for being awfully lenient until I was too stubborn to bend. how stubborn you ask? I HAVE been sent home for not taking it out. I simply find it an antiquated and stick up the ass policy to not allow facial piercings or tattoos when we allow earrings of a certain size and all. Why not put a size limit on the facial piercings? I don't see what it has to do with my job and it makes me upset. so anyways-
He TELLS me to take it out and I ask for my supplies from the office to do this. He gets them but I can't make it work which means I'll have to take it out, cause Lord knows I need money like the dickens right now, especially after this morning, and have to force it back in since my nose does not know the meaning of staying open.

Suffices to say, I'm pissed. So, thereafter, every little thing that goes wrong...too many 'ma'am?'s from a table, slow food from the kitchen, anything is piling on pounds to my fucking shit day.
I don't know what it was about it, but I really had to fight the urge to walk out the door when he came up to me today. I had to talk myself down, 'you don't want to burn a bridge' 'you need to make money badly' 'it would put the whole restaurant in a bad position to just walk out'. Fuck.

So, I stayed but it got me to thinking. I remember spending an entire lunch hour, back when I had an entire hour for lunch, thinking and scheming as to how I was going to get myself out of debt and on the right track financially and dream wise by getting a higher paying job. My situation then was that I wanted to start knitting for friends and people for money and that would be my business, but i needed capital. And job wise, I hated my job. I didn't feel I was doing well and I found no satisfaction in it. It seemed to me at the time that there must be a better way. There must be a way to work with purpose and make money and be happy all simultaneously. Not that there wouldn't be banner days or months even, but that I would know I was working for something better, something I was made for.

It sounds a little grand, but I just know that it's possible and on days like this, it makes me so...i dont' know, antsy to find that thing and do it. I'm not sure how to get to the end of this in words or in practice but I know,

I want to love what I do
I want to be the me I was created to be
I want to feel, every day at least once, that I'm on the right path to my dreams