Is that what I want out of life? Safety? Isn't it about the risks, the danger, the beauty, the wonder? I do want to feel some sense of security, but not in lieu of living to the most.
My mom said something to me the other day that really got me. She said, "You're just so ALIVE. You're so...full...of life. It just sometimes when I talk to you I'm overwhelmed with how alive you are." And it really made me think, because at times that's the last thing I feel. Alive. But it's also something that I strive for as part of my own little philosophy.
I want to live each moment to its fullest. And I realize that I'm not the first person to attain to this ideal, or the first one to say it, but I think it's the simplest way to really live - not just exist - and honor God with my life. What better way than to actually live. To dream, and set goals, and chase love, and wonder about...everything, and cry, and question, and feel and all of it. And to give what we cherish most to other people, and satisfy - where we can - that which is lacking in others' lives, and to make someone else's day. This is life.
I just want sometimes, to look at my life as a movie. To analyze the different scenarios and characters and see if any of it makes sense. Are there glaring traps that I've walked into? I'm sure. Have there been missed opportunities? Yeah. Am I still waiting to meet the 'right' man? For sure. But have there been sweet montage moments? Yes there have. Have I known what it is to be truly loved? I have. I'd like to look at it and see if I'm doing everything I think I'm doing and then be able to change my behavior accordingly. But my life isn't a movie and it isn't over. My life is still in progress and if I have anything to say about it, there are going to be many a twist and turn to come. There is soooo much that I want to see and do before my time here is done.
But I suppose the only way to really live, to have a sense of peace about where my life is going is to trust God and trust my decisions and hold on to that. I watched that movie "Forces of Nature" tonight. The whole thing was circling around this point of whether or not this guy should get married, since he has not been able to write his wedding vows and he's met a woman who is really throwing him for a loop. Every person he meets, quote he reads as he's trying to write is guiding him away from marriage. It's a trap, it's boring, it's something people do when they don't really have any other options. And midway he buys into it, starts something with this woman and decides he's not going to get married. And when it comes down to the end, and he stands faced up with his fiance, on their wedding day in the middle of a hurricane, he breathes and just lets his feelings talk. He tells her that he has been in love with her since they met and he fell in love with her again when he saw her on their wedding day. And I was so confused at first, but when I thought about it...the people I know and know of, when they find the person they want to be with, in whatever form or fashion, it's something they just know. It cannot be explained or persuaded out of, they just know and I suppose that was his moment where he knew.
I know that I am making a change for the better. I am taking steps to live life and not just exist and not just get by. And I may not be able to explain it, but this is my moment and I'm taking it.
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