I tried to kill myself

Literally.











Before you get scared and go ballistic, let me just say, it's done. It's over. This is a closed door in my life, and I'm somewhat ashamed to admit that i even considered the possibility of expunging the miraculous gift that is my life. But I'm also now priveleged to be ever sure that my mere existence, the fact that I awake every day, that I have breath in my body, is a miracle.









I am not trying to wriggle out of dealing with issues and mindset that may be a result of, or maybe led to this event. I just know that something in me needs to write about it, talk about it, share my story and viewpoint so that maybe someone else won't feel as alone as I did. Let me also say, God knows me so well. He knows the little things that touch me deeply, whether it's a passing compliment, or a much needed hug and cry session, He knows my heart because He made me. Anywho...the story.














Scene: I was miserable at my job. I had 'no one to love me' at least no one handsome, and strong, and everything else I had contrived of in my somewhat misguided brain. I didn't know why and I couldn't understand why God kept waking me up everyday. I wasn't really doing anything amazing, just serving coffee, hurriedly, to people, and sleeping, and waking and doing the same thing. I saw no value in it. I wasn't singing, one of my passions, just what was I doing? I wasn't really spending time with My Love, with God, who I had felt so close to and then - not so close to. This was the list of have nots, and the haves, well they weren't a thought in my head.



Then the one thing that kept my mind occupied, my job, became jeopordized. I was essentially asked to leave.









Plan: 'Well,' I thought to myself. 'Fuck it. If I'm not doing anything, and I'm not good at anything, if no one wants me, if I can't help anyone and I'm no good... what's the point of me even being here?' So I, in all my self-made grandeur, proposed to play God to myself and take my own life.









I researched on the internet...Methods, pitfalls, all that and decided the best course, the fastest course, for me. I went to the store and bought three bottles of pills, a tuna lunch pack, and a movie. ( I was hungry!) I got 2 bottles of tylenol pm and 1 bottle of plain acetaminophen, something I knew would react badly with it. I went home, took both bottles of the sleeping pills, 30 acetaminophen, ate my tuna and watched my movie while i fell asleep. Granted, this would have been much more effective if I had used alcohol, but I had forgotten that tidbit. As I was sucked down to sleep, my phone was ringing- though i was in no condition to answer it- it was my mom.









Well, some hours later, I woke up in a terrible state. The whole room was spinning. It felt like the whole house was spinning. It felt like I had swallowed a pulsing, punching ball of burning icy coals. It was awful.







And, In my grand plan to screw the world-- because that's what you think, at least that's what I was thinking, that I was doing a phenomenal job of saying fuck the world and if I'm no good to you then I'm just going to leave. real grown up, i know--I had pushed a heavy trunk of books in front of my bedroom door, so that no one would be able to get to my decomposing body for a while. So, feeling just horrible, I'm stumbling over that stupid trunk trying to get to the restroom. Geez.









My arms and my head, oh my head, felt like they were made of lead. Everything was so heavy, and I had to concentrate, focus, tunnel vision just to get to the door. I think, I'm not sure, but I think I need to throw up. to the bathroom over the toilet... I just have one thought running through my head "I am SO stupid. This was SO stupid."









And it's funny because this was MY brilliant plan, right? MY way to say Fuck the World. Well, it was a shit plan, 'cause it didnt' even work, and now I'm spending all night dry heaving - yeah that's right. nothing was coming out. just churning and burning and no sleep and no relief, it was atrocious --and my wonderful roomate has gone to the store and bought me gingerale and crackers cause she thinks I have a stomach bug.







So in and out of sleep I go for a day and a half. It took that long until I could walk straight, and I thought "I'm still alive." I'm quick like that. "I'm still alive, and either I suck at suicide- which is definitely possible and I'm not even mad that I'm not good at it- or God wants me alive for some reason." I chose to believe the second, because though I may have tried to fight it, and work around it, and run away from it, and make a deal with it, I AM a woman of faith. My strong willed, stubbord, bull-headed spirit chose God long ago, and it's not givin' in anytime soon, and I'm ok with that. So, I believe at this point that I'm still alive because God wants me to be. And if that's true, then He must have some purpose for my existence.





I now consider my simple existence a miracle, because I could have died. God could have let me die but He didn't. That tells me He loves me. That tells me that there IS some purpose for my being on this planet. That tells me that I may not understand, and Lord knows I don't understand, how anything I do in this life could possibly have any effect. Effect enough to change the world, to merit the prices my Mom, my ancestors, soldiers, and others have paid and sacrificed for me to live a 'happy' life. Is there any way I could repay those debts? Not even if I became a woman who speaks encouragment and life and purpose to all those she meets. Not even if I lived a life to the glory of God, though it is my goal to do so. Not even if I acheived every goal I ever set for myself and outdid every dream in my heart. None of that could possibly repay what God did and continues to do for me. That's the rub.

And it's nothing to be bitter about. The fact is that what God did, no one deserves and no one can repay. That's why He had to do it and only He could have done it. And that's the essential falacy in the philosophy that if you're just a good person, you'll go to whatever Heaven exists and all that. There's no way that anything a human person could do to EARN or DESERVE or BE WORTHY OF what God did and does for us. It's just not possible. That is what these philosophies are essentially saying. Is that by living a good life, you earn your way into Heaven or into the good graces of whatever God you choose to serve. But, that's not what my God teaches and that's not what I believe. I do believe in living a good, honorable life. In treating others well, because I do beleive that what goes around comes around...but none of that is a substitute for confessing and surrending one's will to the fact that God had to die for me to live.

Anyways, that's another tangent. But what I learned from all this, and I'm sure what I will continually pull from this experience is that my life DOES have purpose. I may not know what it is, but I am here for a reason and I'm determined to seek and try and fight for my passions and for a life and a heart that honors God. I'm alive and if that's my only purpose, to LIVE. To love and laugh and enjoy this gift, then that's enough. I'm alive and I have a purpose.

that's all for now, luvs.